Best Friends for (N)ever

April 28, 2009

Yesterday, I had one of the biggest shock of my life.  My EX bestfriend finally decided to contact me.  Emphasis on the EX because before yesterday, we do not consider each other as bestfriends.  That incident left me sleepless last night.  I also suffered anxiety attack with severe bouts of stomach problems.  Dramatic, you may say.  But that’s how her sudden presence affected my whole being. 

What went before?

I’ve always admitted that I started it.  I intentionally did not invite her to my 25th bday celeb.  BUT, I have a reason behind that.  I have always resented that she deliberately misses events which are important to me.  Whereas, I have always attended every event in her life.  I went to two funerals of her relatives.  I stood as her parent during her graduation rites.  I stood as a witness on her civil wedding.  Yet, she never condoned with me when my tita died.  She never went to my college graduation.  So, what am I to think?  Why bother inviting her when she won’t attend any of my events.  She learned of my plan.  Thus, the start of the BIG fight.  During that fight I mentioned that my crappy ex was giving me a hard time.  Anyways, to cut the story short.  Instead of looking at the reason behind my behavior, she shut me out without asking for a complete explanation.

I tried to contact her.  I wanted to apologize for my misdeed.  I also needed her that time, my crappy ex was breaking up with me.  Again, instead of looking at the big picture.  She decided to magnify the “invitation” incident.  She did not even consider that I might really need her.  After all the time, I’ve been there for her.  I did one mistake.  I was PLANNING not to invite her.  She can not forgive me.  I lost my bestfriend.  To be fair, I did not push through with the 25th birthday celebration.  That all happened in 2003. 

What went yesterday?

After 6 long years, she found it in her heart to forgive me.  During the long years, I decided not to contact her.  For I have asked her numerous times to forgive me.  That all went in vain.

The cornucopia of emotions:

Surprised - for finally, she contacted me out of the blue.

Excited - I wanted to talk to her.  It is difficult to know that someone hated you.  That time, I’ve felt that something heavy was lifted up.

Wondering - why is there no sense of excitement in your voice.

Wary - why did you still bring up my shortcoming. 

Worried - for I feel that that shortcoming will be used against me in the future, judging by the tone of your voice.

Annoyed - why did it take you six years to forgive.  Was that a mortal sin?  If you really were my bestfriend, it will not take that long.

She was one person I truly valued.  It was a shame that treatment was not reciprocated when needed most.  Deep in my heart, I know that we can never be best friends again.  The relationship ended.  It’s impossible to rekindle it, even if there is an effort to mend.  Six years was too long a time to let the flame die.   It would take a long time for the embers to lit up and eventually warm up. 

Nabuhay ako ng six years without you…I can perfectly live the coming years without you.  Better be alone than tolerate the presence of a pseudo best friend.  Other friends stepped up to my call without me asking them.  Others acted more than is expected of them.  You were never there during my dark years, why would you bask in my glory now?  Grow up please.  Some things can never be mended.  You withheld you “forgiveness” for too long.  I got too tired of waiting.  You make it sound that you have the power over me because of that lousy mistake.  I know that you have never forgiven me.  Nor you have any intention of forgetting it.  So, what’s the use of reconciling?

I am in the stage where I can gauge the sincerity of others.  Whether there are in it for a deep commitment, a noncomittal friendship, a casual acquaintance or plain hypocrisy with a hidden agenda.  I have a terrible haunch that she belongs to the last group. 

 

False Hopes

February 11, 2009

Who has the last laugh?

I was hoping you’d ask me out on the school dance… you never did.

I was hoping that you’d pursue me after high school, despite all the obstacles…you never did.

I was hoping that you’d court me after all your revelations…you never did.

I was hoping you’d be a crying shoulder, after my crappy ex broke up with me…you never did.

I was hoping that you’d continue the friendship, even when our worlds seem far apart…you never did.

I was hoping that you’d  take me seriously, the second time you came back…you never did.

I was hoping that you’d choose me when I asked you to…you never did.

I was hoping that you’d seek me before the I made my final choice…you never did.

After four years, you came back.  Shame on you.  You already know that I am happily married.  You are not even half the man my husband is.  You, whom I stupidly thought  was “the One who got away”.  You’re NOT “the One who got away”.  You intentionally wanted to get away from me.  With your all your imagined reasons and excuses I never could comprehend.  You simply was one hell of a commitment-phobe.  I could now laughingly say, It’s you, not me.  For all the times you made me crappy for believing in those false hopes, these are for you.  Read them as I have the last laugh…

You were hoping that I’d let us have a connection again…I never will.

You were hoping that I’d let us be friends again…I never will.

You were hoping that I’d let you back in my life again…I never will.