the right direction

one sign that man is still living if he is still thinking.  i do hope that i am still living my life the best way.  given the turn of events, it made me wonder if i am really doing the right thing.  i already have my license.  i already have my work experience.  it is but logical that i return to work.  it is but logical that i really pursue design projects.  i am wondering if the recent difficulties i am experiencing has to do with my scholarly pursuits.  should i really be studying? am i really learning something new?  have i again started something which i can not finish.  have i made my simple life more complicated?  am i just doing it, just for the sake of doing something.  am i going to the right path?  it makes me wonder whether what my partner said is true.  i should be actively pursuing projects.  if i am active with projects, there is no need for me to study.  really, am i doing it right?

hate

I’m sad.  I feel badly about myself.  I feel horrible.  I hate my mother in law.  She’s so evil.  She’s mukhang pera.  I hate her.

Desensitized

I want to be desensitized

of all the negative feelings boiling deep inside of me.

of all the circumstances that are beyond my control.

of all the people who can’t understand me.

of all the people who never will see me in a positive light.

of all the people who think that the world revolves around them

of all the people who think that none of it was their fault.

of all the people who will never acknowledge the success of others.

of all the people who always accuse me of starting the problem.

of all the people who will never hear me out.

of all the people who will never appreciate the good things done in the past.

of all the people who will never remember the past sacrifices.

of all the people who blame their circumstance on innocent bystanders.

I want to be desensitized.  I want to live a free life.  I want to feel loved.  I am not asking for anything in return.  I just don’t want to be blamed for things I did not do.

Under the Nerves

I believe that I have been gifted with an above average IQ.  However, when it comes to grading my EQ, my rating is below average.  I don’t know if it’s me.  It seems that I can never put a show on people I don’t like.  In tagalog, “hirap ako makisama, lalo na sa mga tao na di ko gusto”.  I am a stickler for rules.  Call it a personality flaw, when I see something is amiss…I don’t hesistate to correct it.  I seldom sugar coat.  In the end, no matter how noble my intentions are, I end up as the bad guy.  Simply because I did not say the correction in a sweet way.  I don’t believe in gray areas.  It’s either right or wrong.  As much as possible, I do try to live and let live.  However, if something will cause imminent danger on lives and properties, I will never hesitate to say what’s in my mind.  I don’t know if I was raised in a different environment.  I don’t know if my parents allowed me to be outspoken.  I don’t know if I am really harsh in correcting others.  But hell, the truth really hurts.  I’d rather lose the “friendship” than let the physical damage be done.  Sometimes, I do wish that they see the intention behind the correction.  Well…best thing I could do now is NOT let them get under my nerves.

Something to DO

After a long soul searching, i finally decided to take up a second degree.  One which will enhance my  current profession.  I do hope I made the right decision.  The “investment” is quite risky.  I do hope to get connections, new knowledge and clients.  Next year will be my make or break year.  Hopefully, all my plans will come to it’s fulfillment.

Projected Perfect Life

i honestly don’t know what i did wrong.  she is always there to criticize my decisions.  it’s as if, she’s trying to make me feel that i made the wrong choice.  whereas, i could say that hers is not a perfect life.  i’ve done my share of trying to please her.  of trying to win their approval.  i don’t know, it comes to a point when i want to shout - “it’s my life, i will do whatever i want with it”.  maybe i should stop calling.  i did not call to be patronized nor insulted.  i can feel her sense of disapproval.  does she think that my life is a mess.  does the earnign capacity and a job in the corporate world guarantees the worth of a person.  i am trying to live my life the best way i know how.  somehow, i’m starting to get scared/phobia of the telephone calls.  the “control” is just too much.  instead of trying to reach out, they are really pushing me away.

No Comment

When all has been said and done, a strong feeling of numbness slowly floods my system.  What is there to do if one refuses to see reason?  What is there to do if one stubbornly believes the situation is perfect?  What is there to do if one values “so-called” loyalties over one’s well being?  Hope they see finally see the truth behind all these, and act accordingly.

Grace

This will be a very short post.  I just want to psyched myself…

“Lord, give me the grace to endure this task, until your purpose is served. Amen.”

Wag Patulan

Ito ang aking unang tagalog na post.  Kadalasan, sa Ingles ako nagsusulat.  Pero, ngayong araw na ito..sa sobrang inis ko, di ko na magawang isalin sa Ingles ang iniisip ko.  Para sumaya ang buhay:

(1)  Wag patulan ang landlady (na di naman talaga lady kung hindi witch) na walang magawa sa buhay.

(2)  Wag patulan ang mga pinagsasabi na wala namang basehan.  Kahit ba ubusin niya buong araw niya sa pag chichismis tungkol sa iyo.  Wag mo nalang pansinin.  Kung sa itsura lang, mas may kredibilidad ka naman.  Wala lang magawa at makausap yun kaya nagsisimula ng chismis.

(3)  Wag mapikon sa mga pinagsasabi.  Mas malinis di hamak ang bahay mo.  Kung may panggagalingan ng peste at daga, bahay niya iyon.  Dahil peste siya.

(4)  Wag pakitang naiinis.  Dahil yun ang gusto niyang mangyari, ang makuhanan ka ng reaksyon.  Madali umiwas.  Di mo naman kelangan makita siya araw araw.  Maaring maglagi sa loob ng bahay at magpunta sa kwarto na di niya tanaw.  Magbukas ng radyo malakas para siguradong di mo madidinig ang maingay niyang bibig.

(5)  Magsimula na maghanap ng malilipatan.  Di lang naman bahay lang niya ang pwedeng tirahan.

Beautiful Paintings

Beautiful watercolor paintings - http://EmovereWorks.blogspot.com

A Painting A Day

As a bonafide confused artist, confusion is something I have to do with on a daily basis.  Since, I can not earn a living on doing what I just want…I have to come up with  a plan on how I could earn through my creations.  I’ve long decided to maintain a theme before I create something new.  Somehow, every time I start my work… I always end up deviating from my theme.  Quite frustrating, cause I can’t seem to follow the rules I myself set.  hehehe…  For now, the painting mood strikes again..as to the subject, I am sure that it will be something that deviates from my original theme.  Stubborn, arrogant artist!

Next Step

With too much time in my hands, i am faced with the slight dilemma of what to do next?  I’ve already set shop.  I’m waiting for my first sale.  I’m not sure how long I should wait.  Maybe patience is one virtue I should learn. 

Food Minis

A friend of mine recently opened her etsy shop.  Do visit http://TweeParty.etsy.com.  The shop sells miniature food items for doll house collectors.  She also plans to sell miniature food and miniature floral jewelry.  The food plates and pizza are realistically done!  They are so cute!!!!

Almost There

It was a daunting task.  One that I dared to tread.  I can almost see the end of the rough road.  I could almost feel the taste of sweet success.  After suffering and enduring the painful moments, I slowly can feel my rewards.  I worked long days.  I cried on lonely nights.  I withstood the test of time.  If life had been unfair in the past, it is finally starting to be just.  The saying is true, no matter how cliche…Ad astra per aspera, rough roads lead to the stars!

Uninspired

Waiting for inspiration to strike.  Half of the day is already wasted.  Wonder what’s keeping me?  Wonder if this is just a passing phase.  So much too do, so little inspiration.  Must take this seriously.  Have to do it and stop making excuses for everything.  Could be my last saving grace.  Time to work now…

Jack of All Trades

Sometimes, having the luxury of too many options is disadvantageous.  Instead of focusing on a certain task, I keep on thinking of doing other things.  It’s either I easily lose interest in what I am doing or my mind easily wanders to other things.  But, now worries, I am enjoying my present state.  I just have to discipline myself a bit.

No Such Thing

Wrapped in my imagined unpenetrable bubble, it suddenly bursts unexpectedly.  As a self confessed escapist, my “fleeing” tendencies came to a halt.  Given an option between fighting and fleeing, I’ll always opt to flee.  Because I detest confrontations, I abhor possible hurtful instances.  One observer was right, there are limits to everything.  After fleeing and running away for so long, I am forced to fight.  Every word I said last night was true,  my “fleeing” tendencies were done to save my own sanity.  I am fighting now, not because I love him less but because I have to love myself more.  I pray for normalcy.  I pray for enlightenment.  I pray that my decision 1.5 years ago was not a big mistake.  Reality really bit me hard yesterday, there’s no such thing as a perfect life…no matter how fiercely one imagined it to be.

New Calling

After months of pondering and reflecting, I finally found my new calling.  Having been burned out from my previous profession, i decided to temporarily not practice.  I still have a couple of on going projects.  I just opt to focus more on this new “calling”.  Actually, this new “calling” is less glamorous, less prestigious than what I usually do.  However, this “hobby” turned business is keeping me preoccupied.  This hobby not only occupies my idle mind, it also brings back the creative juices which has long been hampered.  I’m currently doing polymer clay miniatures specifically for doll houses.  I’m planning to focus on miniature food and doll accessories.  However different this project may seem, it ironically makes me happy.  I haven’t formally set-up my business yet.  I had a trial sale in Komikon.  I learned a lot with that experience.  It challenged me in so many ways.  I’m thinking of ways on how to improve the product in terms of design, originality and cost.  Meanwhile, I’m back to my drawing board to conceptualize

Same shirt, different day…

“Same shirt, different day”, reads a t-shirt print popularized years back. 

Now, “Same Sh*t, different day”, is what you can read in the daily news.  Only the date on the paper varies. 

I’d like to call it my Top 3 favorites(?).  I do understand that these are matters of great importance to us.  But then again, one couldn’t help but get saturated and overwhelmed by them.  These are:

1.  The never ending coverage on the Kho-Halili sex video scandal.  The story has been running for more than a month.  Showbiz personalities, politicians and the media are basking in the shadows of perversion.  Have we become a nation of perverts?  The game of finger pointing has just began.  Finger pointing on the showbiz personalities involved, the politicians who wants to be involved and the media who sensationalized the issue.  Watch SNN and you’ll see what I mean.  For me, it is more than an issue of national concern.  It is an issue of morality.  For lack of anything better to do, these perverts record their intimate acts.  For lack of anything better to say, politicians drag this sensational issue to the Senate.  For lack of anything better to cover, the media magnifies and give this issue a coverage much more than it’s worth.  And the most tragic part, for lack of anything better to watch, the Filipinos wait for the development of the story, day after day.  That is, after watching the horrid videos themselves.  This issue could go on and on.  Here’s my two cent’s worth to end this issue: (1)  Implement the laws that will protect women, children and other victims of sexual abuse.  Emphasis on the word impement.  No amount of media coverage could undo the wrongdoing.  (2)  Refrain from watching the videos.  I know, it’s already out there.  If no one patronizes the dvds, the production of such materials will cease.  It’s more than the perversion of Kho and Halili, it is about the perversion of the common Filipino.  They say, you are what you eat.  In this case, You are what you watch.  Immoral na nga, panoorin mo pa. E, di immoral ka din!

2.  The never ending oh-its-a-deadly-virus-then-its-not-so-deadly-after-all!.  Fortunately, the type of virus that we have in the Philippines turned out to be the mild type.  I have to applaud the DOH for being on top of the situation.  However, the DOH scared us out of our wits before they recently declared that the virus is not as fatal as it seems.  There seems to be a misuse on the terms ‘fatal’ and ‘deadly’.  This time DOH pleads with the media to refrain from using the words nakamamatay.  With all these paranoia on the deadliness of the virus, sa nerbiyos mamamatay ang Pinoy, di sa virus.  Well, better safe than sorry!

 3.  The pain in the a**, con-ass.  Need I say more.  This is much, much worse than the sex scandal and the deadly virus.  Item number 1 is an issue of morality.  Item number 2 is an issue of mortality.  Item number 3 is the combination of both.  The morality of the society and the mortality of democracy is both at stake.  It’s bad enough that there are countless politicians eyeing the presidential seat for next year.  A con-ass leading to an extension of Arroyo’s term is the worst!  Is ten years not enough!  Oh, with the our morality and democracy’s mortality at stake, we should burn these a**holes at the stake!

Paranoia

Paralysis by Analysis.

When our fears stop us from living normal lives

When our doubts hinder us from reaching our goals

When we want to live lives to the fullest, why do others think we should not?

Why is it difficult for others to let go of the control?

Why are they trying to live other’s life?